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(Somewhat) Honest Answers To Stupid Interview Questions
Contributed by teverton on Thursday, July 28 @ 17:51:45 EDT
The only thing more enjoyable than interviewing for a job is a thorough prostate exam. That, or a good dose of chemotherapy. The joys of unemployment and job hunting are stressful and degrading enough by themselves, but when you are fortunate enough to actually score an interview, your reward is more often than not a series of mind-numbing irrelevant questions that have little or nothing to do with the job for which you are applying that are administered by some semi-conscious twat puddle reading from a corporate-generated standardized form authored by a borderline retard in some corporate home office three continents away.

Here are a few of my favorites. You’ll notice that none of these are in any way job-specific, relevant or worth the time you took to get a haircut, put on a tie, sniff the armpits of your one semi-clean shirt and show up fifteen minutes ahead of your scheduled interview for.

Why should we hire you? 

Because I’m running out of recipes to accentuate my steady diet of ramen noodles. I also promise to never, ever come to work packing a semi-automatic assault rifle even though the abuse you’ll subject me to would probably warrant my periodically considering it. I just knocked-up the CEO’s daughter, but he doesn’t know it yet. I’ll stop writing crappy anonymous reviews about your mediocre company on Yelp.com. I’m running out of money for this meth stuff I like to buy occasionally. I’ve acquired these crazy fucking things called bills that I’m chained to which will require me to feign allegiance to whatever ridiculous bullshit you’ll require me to push onto the suckers you refer to as customers.    

 
Where do you see yourself in five years? 

Off probation. Hopefully not still working at this dead-end piece of shit job for your dumb ass. In a different career as far away from this ridiculousness as I possibly can be. On a remote island snorting cocaine while getting hot oil deep tissue body rub-downs from hookers and downing mai tai’s after winning the lottery. Anywhere but in this same room breathing the same regurgitated oxygen as you. Let me consult my astrological chart and get back with you, you crotch-enamored taint-waxer.

 
What is your greatest weakness? 

Other
than looking at internet porn on the company computer and stealing as many office supplies as I can fit in my pockets? Let’s see…Single barrel bourbon, tits and the occasional Nestle Crunch come to mind. I also like to call in sick on Monday after my favorite NFL team loses and I’m ridiculously hungover. In addition, I have a tendency to hold periodic masturbation marathons in the employee restroom, stealth-fart during group discussions and then walk away, wipe my boogers underneath other people’s desks when they’re away at lunch and boycott deodorant. Or I could just give you the standard I’m a workaholic bullshit answer to your stupid fucking waste of my time question like everyone else does so we can move on to the next mystery of the universe you’re undoubtedly set to hurl my way.   

 
If you were an animal/brand of tampon/someotherstupidfuckingthing, what would you be and why?

 
And if my grandmother had a cock she’d be my grandfather, you saliva-laden muff-diver. If I could wish to be anything at this moment, I’d opt to be a pigeon so I could randomly dive bomb your stupid ass with the same sort of nonsensical shit you’re shoveling at me in this interview. Sartre, Nietzsche and Kierkegaard struggled to comprehend and define the essence of who and why we are, and here you sit asking me to get all Freudian on your ass just so I can qualify to make minimum wage and deal with the assholes of the world who left their coupons at home. How about I wish for a time machine to take me back to the moment just before your conception where I ring the doorbell of your parents’ house, causing dear ol’ Dad to freak and pull out just before the money shot that spawned your uncreative ass? Then we’ll all be saved from enduring the stupidity you were apparently destined to propagate. 

 
Do you work well as part of a team? 

If by team you mean hanging out with coworkers until four in the morning drinking and drugging and talking shit about how the job and management can nuzzle our left nutsacks then yes, go team. If, on the other hand, by team you mean tolerating the same coworkers I just threw up with two hours ago who call in sick while I show up and am forced to do double the work while they sleep the booze off as management rides my ass about working harder and faster, then fuck the team. I’ll be returning the favor on their sorry asses the first chance I get. Which, knowing these jerkoffs, will be tomorrow.

 
How would your last manager describe you? 

As the guy that scored him the best pot whenever he ran dry. I’m also the guy who came in even when hungover, as opposed to the majority of the other cretins I worked with who just blew the shift off altogether which compromised customer service by making the rest of us work twice as hard. I also traded the majority of my weekends and holidays - as is standard in the industry - for days off in the middle of the week, and seldom got two days off in a row. I’m the guy who sometimes ran out of money the day before payday and worked without having eaten for 24 hours, and I also walked the tightrope of hoping not to get too sick because I couldn’t afford the suck-ass insurance plan offered by the company. None of which my former manager will acknowledge if asked, but you’ll hopefully at least get the substitute he showed up on time for the most part and basically did what we paid him to do.
 
What interests you about our company? 

I’m currently unemployed and you’re currently hiring. The capital you seem to regularly generate that allows you to write me a paycheck that won’t bounce every couple of weeks. It’s within walking distance of where I live. You’re still in business, and you seem to have a track record that suggests you’ll be staying that way into the foreseeable future. There hasn’t been anything in the news recently about your being a proponent of sweatshop labor and shipping the majority of your nickel and dime jobs overseas, though I suspect that’s merely because you haven’t discovered a way to benefit from that yet. None of my friends have warned me against applying here. Your CEO hasn’t been summoned to any congressional hearings regarding wage and labor abuses that I’m aware of. Yet. 

 
Have you ever lied?
 
Fuck no. And I invite you to prove otherwise.

 
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Re: (Somewhat) Honest Answers To Stupid Interview Questions (Score: 1)
by rickstr on Friday, December 21 @ 04:00:57 EST
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It was ridiculous. It's funny to try it on occasion. What is interesting for the sincere and unusual answers are even more likely to get nvoe appointment. To be honest, in all seriousness, try to use your answer to the question What is your greatest weakness. This question always killed me the most. In any case. thank you to cheer up.
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Re: (Somewhat) Honest Answers To Stupid Interview Questions (Score: 1)
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I think it's safe to say that the answers are facetious. However, I think the attitude behind them might be showing through to some extent during interviews, and that's not helpful in finding employment.



Re: (Somewhat) Honest Answers To Stupid Interview Questions (Score: 1)
by winkaka01 on Saturday, July 30 @ 19:56:11 EDT
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Not funny. I personally wouldn't hire you or want to work with you. There are people who need the job, work hard, and are aiming for a better life using retail as a stepping stone. Mean while people with your attitude and poor perspective are absorbing opportunity. Suggestion? File for social security. That way you can sit in your room, do drugs, and be audited off the food chain. 

Why did this post get approved and placed on the front page? Are we supposed to be learning something uplifting from this?  F-



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thanks (Score: 1)
by kelinkabiem on Sunday, January 17 @ 02:31:10 EST
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